Falling asleep; all thoughts are hazy and nonsensical.

Lately I've found myself thinking about scary things like career paths and marriage and children and houses. Sometimes it's like I'm in such a hurry to grow up and tick these things off my list that I overlook the fact that I'm so not ready for any of that. And sometimes I feel a little embarrassed that other people my age are. I suppose I just want to keep up but instead I'm like that kid in the kindy class who lags behind because she takes thrice as long as the others to understand a concept.

I figure that's okay though. That slow kid still gets there in the end.  I need to stop getting ahead of myself and freaking myself out.

It freaks me out that the things I've been pursuing for years could be completely wrong for me. What if I waste half my life chasing what will never happen/does not exist? I've always been an anti-risk kind of person. I like rules and I carry bandaids and sunscreen with me everywhere I go, just in case. I'm actually quite terrified that if I commit entirely to anything, whether it be religion, a boyfriend or  a career, that it won't work out and I'll be left broken. Nobody likes being disappointed, especially not I. Consequently, I have this little voice in the back of my head, warning me not to get my hopes up, just in case. It's kind of twisted and probably prevents me from experiencing much. Talk about a vicious cycle.

There was some other stuff but I think I ruined the mood already. I also have no recollection of what I just typed. This is typically indicative of bedtime.

Papadum.